Normal Three Year Old Behaviour - How to Manage it without Losing your MIND! — Peaceful Living with Miranda

What even is normal three year old behaviour? How do you know what to look for - and when to start getting serious about managing it?

Many mums feel ashamed, overwhelmed and shocked by their the behaviour your three year old displays - and even worse, often it’s come out of nowhere.

So, as a gentle parenting mama in the 21st century - what do you do?

This post will be all about not only what can be normal for your child in this time, but also what you can actually do to help your child through a tricky time in their development - and once you work out your own confidence and parenting style for dealing with your child, you may even find it easier as they start to move towards being four years old…!

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If you are a mum of a gorgeous toddler who has started this is-it normal three year old behaviour - you are likely smiling at the title of this post.

Because, when your child starts the wilful, often out-of-the-blue behavior that can start at age 3; you can literally feel like you are losing your mind.

(Hi, by the way! I’m Miranda, an experienced teacher, mum emotional health coach and gentle parenting consultant. I’m in Australia, and it’s lovely to meet you! Find out more about what I do, and how to join me, here!)

I have 3 children, and boy, was three years old a major moment in each of their lives. (And mine.)

Each time, I was amazed at the level of independence, sass, and focus my kids suddenly had once they turned 3. But, especially with my first one, it threw me right out of my comfort zone. Even as an experienced daycare educator and primary teacher, I suddenly had to be the person who set all these boundaries in place for my child - and still be the nurturer, keep them clean, healthy, get food into them, and actually be able to take them places for their development, all while they did not want to listen to anything I said.

Many mums are in this situation right now - and let’s just pause here for a moment and acknowledge that this is so different to what happened when we grew up, right? Many mums around us are letting their children ‘run the show’ - and it’s NOT the way things are supposed to be. (This is not actually gentle parenting, by the way - just permissive parenting. The term ‘parenting’ means we are helping our child learn how to manage themselves, not be so gentle with them that they aren’t prepared to thrive in the real world.)

But - how do we do this? How do we show them that they need to do what we ask - and that calling Mama names, cutting their brother’s hair, trying to give the cat a bath on the couch, and not wearing shoes to the shops - are actually not good ideas, and that maybe they should stop and try something else to play?

We’ll get to that in a minute!

First, let’s talk about what is normal three year old behaviour.

Some of the normal things we see in this age group include:

Arguing with you about everything
Not wanting to be in a car seat (every age, really)
Wanting to have more say over clothes and activities
Whining
Trying to boss Mum (and everyone) around!
Becoming more destructive

These are quite normal, and let’s not forget - often Mum has had a new baby somewhere in the child’s year between ages 2 and 3. There are often different things at play here - but the simple fact is that you need to know how to manage it - and that it is relatively normal for a child their age.

It’s important to recognise that what we see as normal three year old behaviour now is not the same as our parents saw it then.

30 years ago, the average normal three year old behaviour was often quite different to what we see regularly now.

However, parental expectations (and societal expectations and pressures) were quite different, 30 years ago.

Children were more seen and less heard; more mums were at home with the children, and people were less affected by the comparison and judgement through social media, which meant there was less mum guilt over small issues.

Parents were more authoritative, whereas today’s parents are often more permissive - with some disastrous results sometimes. The rise in screen-time is an absolutely huge part of the last 30 years - and this has had a major effect on how we parent our kids today.

Not only three year olds, but all children these days are more entertained than ever before without having to lift a finger.

Also, mums are so unbelievably busy and overwhelmed, that we need the kids to do things right now, perfectly - or the schedule, and often our own mental state, cannot cope.

Three year old children should be learning, exploring, developing, and trialing things - they should have the time to watch a bug walking down the garden path, or build a sandcastle, or just watch the cars drive past at the park. ‘Slow living’ is taking off, as a trend - but it’s simply essential that our kids learn how to be bored, and just be as themselves. But again, this might feel impossible for you in the fast-paced, achievement-driven world we live in.

So, how do we cope with this normal three year old behaviour - when it becomes overbearing?

Give them a sense of control over themselves.

It’s so important that you give your child a sense of autonomy over certain parts of their lives - especially as they grow. It’s simple - children want to be independent, most of the time. Often, we are so busy organising them that when they act out, we think they are being ‘naughty’ - when it’s what kids do to get attention - a cry for some responsibility and power over themselves.

Are you listening to them? Here are some ideas for 3 year old children to have some autonomy:

Teach them to care for their body’s needs, such as putting on shoes, choosing clothes, and brushing their teeth (before you check them, of course. Teeth health is important.)
Let them have their own ‘garden’ within yours. Kids love to dig, grow, and so on. Don’t be precious about it!
Give them a small job around the house, that is ‘their big kid job’. Mine would straighten the shoes in the hallway, help feed the dog, and wipe the basin in the bathroom with some ‘spray’.

It’s absolutely key to give your child some power in their life - and it helps with those power struggles that often really ramp up when your child turns 3.

Make sure you don’t give them all the power!

Conversely to the previous point, it’s important not to give your three year old all the power in the house - and many, many parents do this without even realising.

If you let your child have a tantrum when you don’t wear the boots they like - it’s important not to give in all the time. Giving in for a peaceful life now, means we are often creating a big - huge - problem, for later on. Many children are given the ‘say’ on what happens around the house, simply because Mum and Dad don’t want to upset them - and this is where the ‘tiny dictator’ example comes in!

Here at Peaceful Living with Miranda, I am all for connection, love and gentleness with our kids - but I am also all for intentionally guiding your child as they grow. If you do not feel like you are able to stand up for yourself with your child, try some confidence poses and standing with your two feet firmly on the floor. Say ‘I am a good mum, and I will teach my child how to behave nicely.’ Say it again! Look at yourself in the mirror - do you like the feeling of being pushed to the side? If you let your child do this to you constantly in a mean way, you are showing them that this is OK. This can result in two things:

Your child being pushy and bossy in relationships with friends and ongoing, feeling like they matter more than others; or
Your child seeing you be pushed around and thinking that this is what they should let people do to them when they are stronger.

Neither of these is desirable, and can cause considerable trouble with friendships at school. Let’s start on the right foot and not bow down to every single whim our child displays as they grow, but act with compassion and cooperation with them from the age of three or so. It’s essential - and so freeing as they grow!

Let them feel the natural consequences of their actions - with loving support.

One way to start managing normal three year old behaviour is to let your child feel the natural and/or logical consequences of their actions.

ie: If you hit the cat, the cat will not come for a cuddle. Or, if you decide to hit Mama, she might just pop you down on the floor and walk away to another part of the room (here’s why you don’t leave them in the room! Abandonment trauma info here >>).

Many people try to protect their children from the results of their own decisions - and let me pop a little disclaimer in here. For many, many decisions your child makes, they lack impulse control. They are not adults, not mentally developed properly to make decisions - but it is much easier that your child sees some of these results of their actions early - in the simple areas that are appropriate to their age level.

For instance - if Freda decides to push her big sister’s tower over - she may find that her sister doesn’t want to play with her anymore. While this is a situation that we can work with as parents (and frequently need to), it’s important that Freda feels the consequence, especially if she constantly does this. She may feel sadness at her sister not wanting to play - but 3 is a great age to start explaining to a child the reason. ‘That’s because you pushed her tower over, Freda. It’s OK to knock your own tower over, but not your sister’s.’

Want to understand your emotional three year old better - and give them some real, on-the-ground tips for building emotional regulation? Emotionally Equipped Child simple course for mums >>

The minor sadness and loss Freda feels, is actually what she will learn through. It is necessary to learn through this - because we all do as we grow.

Letting your child feel the natural consequences doesn’t mean we have to abandon them to those consequences, either.

Often, giving a gentle hug and an empathetic statement can build the parent/child relationship even stronger, and help the child feel like they are not disconnected. It might be something like ‘I know, it’s hard sometimes. Let’s have a cuddle.’

When you ask ‘is this normal three year old behaviour’, it indicates that you are unsure of whether you are doing something ‘wrong’ in your parenting.

Try some of the above recommendations, and see how they go for you in your household.

It’s so important that we feel confident in ourselves as parents - and often our own learned emotional processing habits are getting in the way of our ability to calmly parent our own child. If something is undermining your confidence, or you want to discuss this with someone - or, if you need a little extra troubleshooting of your child’s behaviour - click on the Emotional Health Bookings page here for all the info - my bookings are for parenting and/or emotional health.

Find out more about the Finding Peace membership right here - and have a real professional in the wings and the opportunity of consistent virtual support as you navigate healing/mum life/and the kids’ wellbeing!

Miranda xx

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Normal three-year old behaviour - how to manage it without losing your mind!

What even is normal three year old behaviour? How do you know what to look for - and when to start getting serious about managing it?

Many mums feel ashamed, overwhelmed and shocked by their the behaviour your three year old displays - and even worse, often it’s come out of nowhere.

If you are a mum of a gorgeous toddler who has started this is-it normal three year old behaviour - you are likely smiling at the title of this post.

Because, when your child starts the wilful, often out-of-the-blue behavior that can start at age 3; you can literally feel like you are losing your mind.

First, let’s talk about what is normal three year old behaviour.

Some of the normal things we see in this age group include:

It’s important to recognise that what we see as normal three year old behaviour now is not the same as our parents saw it then.

30 years ago, the average normal three year old behaviour was often quite different to what we see regularly now.

So, how do we cope with this normal three year old behaviour - when it becomes overbearing?

Give them a sense of control over themselves.

Are you listening to them? Here are some ideas for 3 year old children to have some autonomy:

Make sure you don’t give them all the power!

Let them feel the natural consequences of their actions - with loving support.

The minor sadness and loss Freda feels, is actually what she will learn through. It is necessary to learn through this - because we all do as we grow.

Letting your child feel the natural consequences doesn’t mean we have to abandon them to those consequences, either.

When you ask ‘is this normal three year old behaviour’, it indicates that you are unsure of whether you are doing something ‘wrong’ in your parenting.

Other posts you might find interesting:

Normal three-year old behaviour - how to manage it without losing your mind!

What even is normal three year old behaviour? How do you know what to look for - and when to start getting serious about managing it?

Many mums feel ashamed, overwhelmed and shocked by their the behaviour your three year old displays - and even worse, often it’s come out of nowhere.

If you are a mum of a gorgeous toddler who has started this is-it normal three year old behaviour - you are likely smiling at the title of this post.

Because, when your child starts the wilful, often out-of-the-blue behavior that can start at age 3; you can literally feel like you are losing your mind.

First, let’s talk about what is normal three year old behaviour.

Some of the normal things we see in this age group include:

It’s important to recognise that what we see as normal three year old behaviour now is not the same as our parents saw it then.

30 years ago, the average normal three year old behaviour was often quite different to what we see regularly now.

So, how do we cope with this normal three year old behaviour - when it becomes overbearing?

Give them a sense of control over themselves.

Are you listening to them? Here are some ideas for 3 year old children to have some autonomy:

Make sure you don’t give them all the power!

Let them feel the natural consequences of their actions - with loving support.

The minor sadness and loss Freda feels, is actually what she will learn through. It is necessary to learn through this - because we all do as we grow.

Letting your child feel the natural consequences doesn’t mean we have to abandon them to those consequences, either.

When you ask ‘is this normal three year old behaviour’, it indicates that you are unsure of whether you are doing something ‘wrong’ in your parenting.

Other posts you might find interesting:

Consequences for Kids and how to NOT cause major abandonment issues in childhood

10 Emotional Awareness Quotes to Energise and Inspire you and your family this Month