3 Major Things Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Need to Be Aware of for Your Family's Emotional Health — Peaceful Living with Miranda

Are you a daughter of a narcissistic mother? There are some things you need to be aware of…

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As you begin to parent your own children, it’s important to understand that your own emotional health gets a serious workout - and you move through your parenting journey changing and developing as you go. But when you grow up with a narcissistic parent, you can feel lost and not really know what ‘appropriate’ or ‘normal’ is for your own behaviour, or what behaviour and reactions you should expect or allow from your children. Add to that the worry that your partner might say you’re ‘just like your mum’ or the fact that you might be inadvertently ‘damaging’ your own child’s emotional health; and there you have a major meltdown as a mum with inner emotional wounds like these.

This post will cover 3 things you need to be aware of to monitor your own learned behaviours and thought patterns as you parent your children in a different, new way to what you experienced - but this is by no means a full list!

We will cover:

Being aware of the language you use
Not steering too far ‘the other way’ as a parent, and
Balancing your own emotional health and that of your child/ren.

Let’s get going!

Daughters of Narcissistic mothers need to be aware of what your language conveys to your child.

Regularly using guilt-trips to manipulate anyone (partners, family, kids or work colleagues) is never the way to good emotional health, for example.

Remember how it made you feel - I’m sure you can recall - when your own mother would guilt you into doing something you didn’t want to - or make you say ‘yes’ to things you didn’t feel comfortable doing.

‘I do everything for you - feed, clothe you, take you to things. Why can’t you do one little thing for me?’

It needs to be added here that I think we have all said something along these lines to our kids, sometimes in frustration at their own little entitlement - but if it’s being used to make someone do something they shouldn’t be doing, or feel uncomfortable doing, this is wrong. If you change the way it is said, and make it something like ‘We all contribute in this family’; and it’s a simple household chore but your child is carrying on - that’s a different situation, and one that needs to be had.

However - be aware that as a daughter of a narcissistic mother, you might find this triggering.

It’s probably something you have heard and just don’t want to use. Just be aware that the intention behind the statement is actually the key here. It’s not asking an unwilling child to help with the housework that’s the problem, it’s the laziness and need to control, and how often this is said, that makes this statement narcissistic. (And yes, it’s a hard one to gauge sometimes. That’s why narcissistic mothers get away with it, right? It’s not a totally unacceptable statement to everyone, but the intention is, which is hard to monitor from the outside - or as a child in their parent, obviously.)

You might be tempted to steer ‘too far’ the other way with your children.

This is a very common reaction with daughters of narcissistic mothers - to do the opposite of what your mother did with you. You understand the hurt, the trauma and ongoing emotional health implications this had on you, and so you want to make 100% sure you never, ever make your child feel the same way.

While this is true, and your child should never be treated like this - this does not mean that you should be just catering to every whim of your child, either! Yes, you will have to say no to your child - and they will need to help with housework, learn to time manage themselves and so on - to become a well-rounded human who is independent both in thought and ability, and who can set their own boundaries. Otherwise, they could become very selfish, and become narcissistic themselves, and so the terrible cycle continues!

Something else that needs to be addressed here are your own emotional habits and survival techniques.

If you were being treated in a controlling way by your narcissistic mother, through gaslighting, guilt-tripping and blaming, as well as jealousy and so on, you will have done whatever it takes to survive in that space - which you were in for a long time. This could include ‘making yourself smaller’ in presence, so you don’t rock the boat; learning to just give in because it’s easier, people pleasing, or internalising all your emotions before exploding at something tiny - or having huge anxiety.

As a parent, you are now in charge - but because you are used to exhibiting all these ‘make yourself small and acceptable’ behaviours, you may let your child start to control you.

It’s important to learn how to set boundaries, and stick to them, without worrying about being a narcissistic mother - because as you become aware of these patterns and become better at changing them - you won’t need to worry about that.

(Take a little breath, there. Look out the window for a moment, and see the big old world. This is big stuff and this might be bumping into some serious wounds! Apologies, but it’s why you’re reading, right?)

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You might be so focused on protecting your child’s emotional health that you drain your own - or, the opposite.

All mothers struggle with the age-old trap of never caring for themselves - daughters of narcissistic mothers might be tempted to do this even more. Or, because your example of motherhood was narcissistic and self-centred, you might unintentionally place more importance on your own needs, than the kids’.

Again, it’s all about self-awareness, and seeing things from the kids’ point of view (both future and present) too.

It’s so important to remember that we need to have balance. It is important to make sure we look after ourselves - but as new mums regularly discover (I know I did), it requires constant self-sacrifice to be a dedicated, loving parent who builds that all-important secure attachment with your children. It’s a standard thing that mums are tired, worn out, and emotionally depleted - because you are constantly putting your emotional energy into someone else who is very needy, even as they grow older.

Finding the balance means that yes, you will be worn out, tired, get grumpy and still have to keep on looking after the kids. Yes.

That is a fact of motherhood - and it is hard! But also, we need to be looking after ourselves (all my regular readers will know that this is what we talk about a lot here) when we get the chance to do so. It’s not always easy to find the time, but it’s just as important to find something small that refreshes you and do it whenever you can, especially in those new mum years.

As they say in fire emergencies - ‘This is not a drill!’

This time as a mum is it - your time. As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, you might be tempted to go too far either way. This is a little reminder to be aware of how you are reacting to your own inner trauma wounds - and to watch how you might be pushing them onto your child.

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This post is simply about helping bring awareness to your own emotional health and your thought processes as daughters of narcissistic mothers.

Becoming a parent - and especially parenting a daughter - you will find that some of those behaviours, inner scripts and reactions will spill out of you in frustrating situations - and you might have to apologise. It’s normal to go with the habits we built when we were small, and our children often push our buttons one by one or all at once, right? Stop hating on yourself for having a bad moment, and start seeing how much change you are making for your children in this new generation.

A key takeaway thought is this: How are your children perceiving your behaviour? (Remember, they are kids with ego-centric views, which means they are often skewing their perception with the lens of ‘it’s all about me’, which is why they don’t want to be put out to do the dishes when they really can help!)

How do you feel your kids are seeing your intentions? Do you feel like they know you love them - not just for what they do? Or that you just like being with them - not just running the regular daily routine with them?

It’s all a consistent practice of being available, loving and emotionally strong to enable a child to grow up securely attached and in a healthy household.

If you’re a daughter of a narcissistic parent, you might want someone to ask about this. These are some deep emotional wounds that can start to present themselves to you - and parenting is definitely where it happens!

If you want to find out about my online consultancy, here’s what I do:

Help Mums find freedom from emotional stress and overwhelm (both Christian mums and non-Christian too)
Ask questions, (lots of them) and every.single.client.so.far has had ‘Aha’ moments through the sounding-board effect of coaching with me,
Go through emotional embodiment practices to help you actually feel and process the emotions that are ‘stuck’ or that you keep trying to escape from (when you are ready, always)
Offer strategies around parenting (I have been coaching parents for over 5 years, and bring my teaching professional expertise to this)

I do this all via my Zoom consults, soon to be in-person consults offered too in the Geelong, Australia, area - but online to most places!

So don’t be stuck in your head, because whether or not it’s myself, there are people out there who can help you with your emotion, overwhelm and giant stress that can occur in body and mind when you have a baby and/or kids.

Interested? Go to the booking page to grab your 30% off your first booking!

Other spaces to click on and go now:

‘The Roots of Shame and why it’s holding you Back’ on The Mum Wellbeing Podcast

3 Limiting Beliefs every Mum needs to Know About

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5 Board Games that every Family Needs

Sick of feeling like you are carrying all of the things, and struggling with your emotional health and getting angry at the kids?

Miranda is a teacher-turned stress management/emotional wellbeing coach, for mums both Christian and not; who are finding life overwhelming and stressful. She uses emotional processing and basic somatic techniques with her clients, as well as uncovers deeper beliefs, expectations and habits that you may be unaware of - and the influence they are having on you subconsciously.
Miranda also authors wellbeing books such as Stop Mum Guilt and fantasy novels, as well as creates physical journals and printable products for women. If you feel overwhelmed, or are sick and tired of feeling that horrible guilt you carry around in your chest for ‘not doing everything well enough’, grab your 30% off call here as a new client!

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3 major things daughters of narcissistic mothers need to know for your own family emotional health